My Prayer for Myself and for You

I wrote this back in March of this year. It is as true today as it was the day I wrote it. I hope it helps. love to you all. mhn.

My Prayer for Myself and for You

When I was a child, I was extremely vocal about my thoughts and feelings. As I grew up, I learned a different way of handling things. Not better perhaps, just different. I sometimes wonder if all the fussing or saying what’s on your mind, right in the moment, isn’t sometimes better than holding on to the pain, anger and frustration.

Now I have much anxiety, have had level 2 cancer, and am not the nicest person to my family. I’m really sorry about that and I want to change this angry and completely undesirable behavior. I used to be a much happier and go-lucky type of person. Life happens, you go to college, get married, buy a house, get into debt, have a child, do stuff for other people and realize that you lost some of yourself taking care of others.

Not that I mind taking care of the others, I love them all dearly; knowing them, and loving them has brought me great joy.

Sometimes there is great pain and suffering as well. I forgot who I am. Did I ever have dreams and aspirations of my own, outside of these other people? Can you have these dreams and aspirations without feeling selfish or guilty? One does so much and yet, you still feel like a hamster running on a wheel, going nowhere fast. What is all this for? Are you really helping others or are you getting in the way of something that may have been their calling?

There are days in which I would like the world to stop for me. That will never happen, so I just do what Mom always taught us, “Just put one foot in front of the other.” This sentiment gets you through the day, but it is only existing in the world, not living life to your fullest.

I want to live my life. I want to be the best “me” I can be. It’s definitely a struggle, especially when my example has been less than stellar.

I am a blessed person to have my faith in God and His son Jesus. Thanks mom, for putting me in parochial school. You got me started on the right path to my Lord and Savior, Jesus the Christ. I am also fortunate to have such a wonderful husband and son. I know that if it were not for them, I would probably be dead.

I also am very grateful for my friends. They help me by letting me know that I’m not the only person who is going through all this stuff and that I’m not going insane. That helps a great deal during the day.

I have a very wise friend who told me to stand outside myself, get out of my head and look at what is going on at the moment. Is it really as bad as I think it might be? Most of the time it isn’t.

This has really helped; to put this all down on paper, to get a better perspective. These thoughts are more concrete than the ever-evolving thoughts that roll around in my gray matter. I thank all those who love me and I want you to know I love you too.

It’s nice to realize that I’m not as “mental” as I thought I was, and that I do have control of my life or at the very least, how I react to what life throws at me. I don’t have to make the mistakes my parents made. I can be cognizant of what I do and how I do it.

I truly want to be the person my creator intended me to be, the singer, writer, actor, dancer, wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter and child of God, who by her actions and words help to build His kingdom here in His creation.

You would think that this task is extremely difficult. Oh contraire, all that needs to be done, is to fully submit everything to the Father. He will lead us from there. Pride keeps all of God’s greatest creation from yielding to Him.

When you are broken and can’t go any farther, just lean into His loving embrace. His arms are there to hold you and His chest is a soft place to land. Give everything over to Him and He will make it all bearable. You will not have to land roughly on the hard ground, but softly on the green, green grass.

Submit all to Abba, then the horrors of childhood and the disappointments of adulthood will be lessened in the grand scheme of life. You will be able to forgive, move on and love again in a more pure fashion than ever before. This is my prayer for myself and for you. In Jesus’ name, Amen.



mhn march 21, 2005