Wednesday, November 09, 2005

I Was Going to Quit, But Decided to Post This Instead.

As a Christian you are held to higher standards. If anyone knows you are Christian, you are judged either rightly or wrongly by what they see you doing, saying, reading, writing. It has come to my attention that I have been back sliding and not representing the person God wants me to be.

Perhaps I haven't lived up to His ideal. All I know is that for the first time in a VERY long time, I have a sort of balance in my life. I have spent the last three years being severely depressed to the point of needing medication and that medication not really working. I have been afraid to leave my house and really not wanting to, and only doing so under duress or desperate need. It's only been in the last month that I have been able to check the mail. Sometimes, I still don't take it out of the box if I think that there is a bill in there.

In the last three years I've been suicidal, completely enraged for weeks on end, paranoid and just a real mess. I'm trying to work my way through all of this complete dysfunction, somedays I do ok and others I just plain screw up.

I've never claimed to be perfect and I can never achieve perfection. I do the best with what I have and as I've mentioned before on this blog, I don't always succeed. I do find solace in my faith. It has helped me make this transformation from a total basketcase to a relatively sane person. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am not the only person in the world with problems or hot button topics in their life.

I do however, know myself better than anyone else knows me. I need to blog. Blogging has saved my life this year. I have to get out all the things that are toxic to me. If there is something that is bothering me, I need to purge myself of the feeling so that I can go about my daily life without being completely mental.

Not everybody "gets" the whole blogging thing and that's ok. Lucky them that they have somewhere to turn to get relief from this voice inside your head that questions every little thing you do or think. Maybe they are better at turning it off than I am.

Most of the time my readers set me straight and tell me when I need to back off from that "soap box" and chill. I need that. Everybody needs that. I have been a much better person for blogging in my opinion. Dave thinks so too. It has allowed me to become the person I was when my husband fell in love with me. I like me better now than I did even two months ago. I'm able to be me and not just wear the mask of me like I've been doing for so long. I'm sorry if you don't like me, but I am no longer going to wear that mask. Pretending to be someone that other people want me to be is taking it's toll on me.

Everyone has people in their life of whom they feel like they will never quite measure up. My mother is one of those people and I have a few others. I feel like I constantly have to prove myself or explain what it was that I meant when really all I was trying to do was just be. I really feel like I'm not good enough. I've always felt like this. I'm the freak with the gimpy arm. I'm the ugly fat chick, despite having a beautiful son and husband. I know that in most peoples eyes I am not worthy of any of the blessings that our Creator has bestowed upon me. Well guess what...I know that too.

I don't pretend to know what anyone else is going through. We all have to walk in our own shoes and alot of the time they pinch our toes and hurt our heels and kill our backs and by the end of the day or even the start of it left over from the day before you are so lost and frustrated you don't know why the Creator didn't take you in your sleep. And you wish that he had.

Then it starts all over again.


I am sorry if this is too much to lay on you, but this is me and if it is too much for you to handle, then don't read, don't come back. You honestly don't have to deal with me ever again. It's just as simple as taking me off of your favourites.

If you don't mind the occasional ramblings of a dweeb, then by all means come back. I should be a little better by tomorrow, through God's help.

I love you all. Good night. mhn for short.

13 Comments:

Blogger Willow said...

Ramble on dweeb. :snort: You're ok by me. We have more in common than you might think. Blog for you though or it does get tiring/disappointing. Sometimes I feel like I've got too much whining going on in my own blog, but when I disappear, people care. Who knew!?

Blogging is what you make of it. And a good release is what it is to some of us. COntinue to use it as that for you and you'll start to feel better, or at least be able to look back and see a pattern that you can recognize. That in and of itself can be worth a lot.

((HUGS))

9:24 PM  
Blogger M said...

Thanks Ladies. I've met so many loving people on the blogosphere. I think that maybe others are missing out. Thanks again. :-) *heart bursting from fullness*

9:44 PM  
Blogger TD said...

Wow MHN. That was really beautiful. I really can relate to so much of that. More than you will ever probably know. I spent so much of my life being the ugly, tall skinny kid. We all beat ourselves up at times. We question what we say, what we do and what we think. It is like we are all trying to live up to a challenge, live up to a standard that only exists in our own minds. Every little thing you do, no matter what, all pointed on pleasing someone else.It wears on a person.

I think it is beautiful that you seem to have such a deep faith. I think that if that is an important part of who you are, if that is something that makes you wonderful...shout it out, scream it whisper it and love it. (Just don't try to convert everyone pleeeease. Live and let live!)

Purge. I had a friend who always used the quote "To thine own self be true" I adopt it as a motto when the path becomes foggy.

Remember that we're all beautiful people, with so much to give.(to quote Marvin Gaye in a song about a much different topic) Music is important to me. With that said, I would like to leave you with a few of my fight songs. The ones that keep me up and postive and remind me to get up everyday, especially when things are the hardest, when my head is the busiest, and I feel like I want to just stay in bed.

I Won't Back Down- Tom Petty
That's Life - Frank Sinatra
Dreams - Van Halen
Don't Stop Me Now - Queen
Living the Vida Loca - Ricky Martin

Okay, I was kidding about the last one, but you get the point. Maybe I got this post all wrong, if I did...sorry. My point is, go for it! Let it fly! live the way you want. Be the person you want.Write the way you want. Life is pretty damn wonderful...it's just easy to forget that.

Sorry to take up so much room in your comments

10:55 PM  
Blogger P-Ratt said...

I love hearing from you all the time! You've become even closer of a supportive friend than when we lived only a few miles apart! I hope I can be the same for you.

It's amazing how many people we affect when we blog. Geez, I never thought I'd help or hurt so many people in my life... Just think of all the people whose day you've made happier and how other bloggers have made your day so much better in return. *sigh*

What a great world we live on. You given a lot of heart and wings to all of us. Go ahead and "take" all you need from us!

Cheers!

11:01 PM  
Blogger Sniffy said...

Yeah, all those people I've affected by possibly introducing a load of spyware onto their computers. Ooops, I didn't know anything about it, honest.

Don't know what to add to this except that you're a great person Michelle, you always add something new when you drop by to comment, your own posts are often thought-provoking, and you've enhanced everybody's blogging experience by being part of it.

It's difficult to not be hard on yourself at times. Left alone, especially when things aren't great, we tend to think alot and worry about things that normally wouldn't bother us. This can be a downside to this blogging business too, but at least we get the opportunity to tell you you're wrong if you're being too harsh on yourself.

Anyway, you're great, we all love you and I'm glad that you're feeling better about things. You do have a wonderful family and you're very lucky to have that, it's good to know that you recognise that.

Take care,

T

PS I can't get your message popup to pop up.

;)

2:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is the first time I have read your blog (getting a link from another site) and reading the first post find it well written & interesting. I must admit people with strong Christian beliefs fascinate me, and to find a Christian who admits problems is certainly refreshing after being told Christ will automatically solve ALL your problems by the happy/clappy brigade.
Will definitely drop by again, and remember we are our own worst critics.

6:23 AM  
Blogger garfer said...

Blogging is a bit strange in that you can find youself posting stuff just because you think that your readers will find it interesting. I supppose it's comment addiction.
I have a policy of not posting anything to do with my personal life (apart from minor things).
Your blog is one of the more interesting and honest ones out there.
Keep it up.

8:35 AM  
Blogger darl said...

"I'm sorry if you don't like me, but I am no longer going to wear that mask."

Good for you. Great post too.

"I should be a little better by tomorrow, through God's help."

Of course you will, it's the ups and downs that make life interesting . . .otherwise I think it would be really boring to be alive. Twisted thinking perhaps, but I call them like I see them. hehe((

Anyway, keep on blogging, it's good for everyone involved and I enjoying reading you. ;)

10:01 AM  
Blogger Jackie said...

I can relate to alot of what you're feeling. My faith has kept me going many times. And at my worst, I've definitely worn a mask and pretended to be myself because I wasn't myself at all. The good thing for me (I guess, depending on how you look at it) is that my problems were of a physical nature, not a mental one, so medicine works great for me. It allows me to be me again. I was so ashamed for so many years, my husband didn't even know for a long time.

I agree with you that blogging is addictive and therapeutic. I will keep reading because I like "real" people. It's great to know you aren't alone when you have feelings of inadequacy, etc.

Just keep being you and know that you DO deserve everything God has blessed you with.

10:47 AM  
Blogger M said...

It's really hard when people "expect" you to be a certain way, and you are that way for the most part, and there are times when you need a break and you lower your defenses for just a second, knowing better. Then wham! out of left field you've screwed up somewhere and it's like, "Hey, how did "that" happen?", "That's not the normal me..."

I really have no misconceptions that I will change anyone's thinking on any matter. I hope that I do give folks something to think about on occasion.
All I can do is relate, in a relatively coherent manner, my experiences of life.

Alot of what I do is silly. I'm a big fan of silliness. Periodically, I'll get serious on this blog and speak on things that touch my heart. I have used this forum and will continue to use this forum as a way for me to purge. I think we all do that. I would have imploded by now if I hadn't had this media to turn to over the last 8 months. For sure my family would have left me outside wondering why the locks had changed. Probably not, but you get the jist.

All of us who blog, we are searching. Searching for friendship, understanding, love, acceptance, hope, peace, joy and the list goes on. I really think that God has put me here for a reason, for blogging was not my idea. I have found a great wonder and vast knowledge outside of my little box. I needed that and you all have graciously offered freely of your love through your kind words and sometimes your words of reality checks. I thank you all for being there for me and I hope that I am equally there for you.

I have so much love for you in my heart. Love for those I know really well and those I am just beginning to get to know. Again, I love you all. m.

p.s. Tom ~
Thanks for the songs! Even the last one. Whew, life HAS been crazy the last two days! Take up as much space as you like. I don't mind. Thanks love!

Mollo~
We have gotten closer since you guys moved. How crazy is that? I'm sure that there were times when you walked in to playgroup and saw me bawlin' that you've wondered, "Where are those guys in the white coats when you need them???" Thanks for being my bud. :-)

Tina~
I'm sure you will let me know when I've stepped over the line. I count on it. Ivy and Martha keep me straight too! I love you as well. Bella Bella!!

Frobisher~
Wow, what a post to check out my blog on. :-) Welcome to Dreamer's Reality. I guess we are dealing with more "reality" than usual around here. Thanks for the nice comment and come back as often as you would like. :-)

Garfer~
Thanks mate, you know you are special to me as well. :-) Gotto get that pack in the mail...

Darl~
Thanks,man. I enjoy you too. Twisted thinking does make life a bit more interesting... :-)

Jackie~
Thanks, I'll do my best to "keep it real" as Randy Jackson would say. I know that as a Child of God, I deserve the blessings, not out of anything that I have done, but more because of what Jesus has done in my stead. I will, though, try my best to live up to what He wants me to do. Hey if your not being troubled, then you ain't "rockin' the boat!"

Ivy~
Thanks babe! I know that I can count on you to keep me on the ground, but still standing tall!!! Thanks!


Good grief! look at this one...: fpixadug

1:40 PM  
Blogger M said...

Thanks Jen. I think I might stick around for a bit. :-)

8:27 AM  
Blogger Rowan said...

I wish I had been here when you'd clearly had this very bad day.

Whoever said you SHOULDN'T be blogging? You don't need to justify yourself to us!?!

I'm glad you are sticking around though, but I never thought for an instant any of those thingns you wrote here. They were so hateful. Wow. i hope you feel better. Remember: Judge not, lest ye be judged yourself.

I try to live by that.

1:46 PM  
Blogger M said...

Thanks Rowan. I do try very hard to live by that particular bit of scripture.

3:04 PM  

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